Find Your Career in the Church -- The Scientific Way

By Anonymous

Anonymous is a priest who is very familiar with the contemporary Catholic scene in America.

The Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) is a long-standing psychological instrument used to identify personality types. It is often administered to prospective employees by business, government -- and the Church -- as a screening device. The MMPI lists a series of statements, and the applicant must indicate whether the statements apply to him or not. Many adult professionals may be familiar with the test.

Have you ever wondered how the MMPI categorizes people? I have broken the code! If you are correctly identified by the following assertions (which are actual statements taken from the "Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory" by Hathaway and McKinley, Group Form Test Booklet), you are a good candidate for the following positions:


Vocations Director:

22. At times I have fits of laughing and crying that I cannot control.

298. If several people find themselves in trouble, the best thing for them to do is to agree upon a story and stick to it.

284. I am sure I am being talked about.

554. If I were an artist I would like to draw children.

393. Horses that don't pull should be beaten or kicked.

35. If people had not had it in for me I would have been much more successful.


Youth Minister:

437. It is all right to get around the law if you don't actually break it.

101. I believe women ought to have as much sexual freedom as men.

142. I certainly feel useless at times.

10. There seems to be a lump in my throat much of the time.

231. I like to talk about sex.


Liturgical Design Consultant:

39. At times I feel like smashing things.

476. I am a special agent of God.

538. I think I would like the work of a dress-maker.

358. Bad words, often terrible words, come into my mind and I cannot get rid of them.

49. It would be better if almost all laws were thrown away.

200. There are persons who are trying to steal my thoughts and ideas.


Chancery Official:

462. I have no difficulty starting or holding my urine.

106. Much of the time I feel as if I have done something wrong or evil.

14. I have diarrhea once a month or more.

19. When I take a new job, I like to be tipped off on who should be gotten next to.

151. Someone has been trying to poison me.

510. Dirt frightens or disgusts me.

87. I would like to be a florist.


Bishop of an Average American Diocese:

481. I can remember "playing sick" to get out of something.

28. When someone does me a wrong I feel I should pay him back if I can, just for the principle of the thing.

73. I am an important person.

121. I believe I am being plotted against.

236. I brood a great deal.

158. I cry easily.

360. Almost every day something happens to frighten me.


Possible Priest (who will first need lots of therapy):

1. I like mechanics magazines.

113. I believe in law enforcement.

133. I have never indulged in any unusual sex practices.

249. I believe there is a Devil and a Hell in the afterlife.

294. I have never been in trouble with the law.

302. I have never been in trouble because of my sexual behavior.

488. I pray several times a week.

• Link